Eurovision 2020: How we reckon this year's Song Contest would have gone down

If you’re anything like us, you marked Saturday May 16 in your calendar quite some time ago. This weekend should have been one of the best nights of the year: the final of the 2020 Eurovision Song Contest.

But, like pretty much everything else, the pandemic means that the event in Rotterdam has been called off.

It doesn’t mean we can’t still celebrate, though, so we've gone through each of the songs one-by-one, in random order, to see who might have won. The semi-finals hadn’t actually taken place before the whole thing got cancelled, so we’ve had to make a guesstimate of who would’ve made it — each the 26 songs (listed below in video form and as a Spotify playlist) come from the countries who participated in the 2019 final.

This year looks like would have been a fabulous one — we’ve got the typically bombastic pop smashes, plenty of bleary-eyed balladry and lots more in between. We've given scores to our 10 favourite tracks, as each country does in the final, and those that miss out are left with the dreaded nil points.

Pop the prosecco, practise your best Graham Norton impression and join us for a DIY Eurovision party. At least you won't have to put up with the interval entertainment this way.

Not the strongest of starts, let’s be honest. It’s a nice little ballad from the Estonians, but not quite the full-on Europop super smash we’d been pining for. Also, we half-hoped that, after seeing the song title, we might finally get an answer to Haddaway’s eternal question: what is love? Alas, like Foreigner, we’re still wondering.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

Alright, this is more like it. Now the show's getting going. A bit more life to this one from Cyprus, with a groovy house-pop beat and some sensitive vocals. Strong but subtle ‘tache game from our singer Sandro, too.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

Yes, yes, yes. This is what we wanted. This is what we needed. A gloriously camp disco smash from San Marino. “Life is good when we’re freaky, freaky, freaky.” Amen to that. What San Marino lacks in population, it certainly makes up for in bangers.

This is the Standard calling: 8 points

We wondered how long it would take before we got some reggaeton. As it happens: four songs in. This one has a good start, but never really takes off — although our man Blas does hit a killer high note towards the end. To be honest, we’re still thinking about San Marino. Freaky, freaky, freaky.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

Bloody hell, we weren’t expecting this. This one’s got an oud in it. And a slappin’ beat. It morphs into something like hardstyle techno towards the end. We can only imagine what kind of on-stage antics might have accompanied it. Anyhow: a strong yes from us for Azerbaijan, lute and all.

This is the Standard calling: 6 points

Every year has its rain-falling-from-the-ceiling-and-onto-the-stage moment, and this is most certainly it. It’s fairly moving, but again, this one is all about the falsetto at the end — watch out Spain, Switzerland’s coming for your high-pitched crown.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

General rule: if a Eurovision song has an exclamation mark in its title, it’s gonna be a good’un. San Marino proved that earlier, and now Greece have done likewise. It’s a classic combo of tender bridge into killer chorus. The ol’ one-two. Bish-bosh. Nicely done.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

A great big pop stomper, this. Nothing wrong with a Terminator reference, either. We’re pretty 50/50 here, but Serbia's usual votes from the old Yugoslavian countries might bump it up the rankings a little bit. Anybody for a prosecco top-up?

This is the Standard calling: nil points

A decent contribution from Belarus. Nice little groove, for sure. Normally we’d be pretty put off by those EDM synths in the chorus, but hey, this is Eurovision and by this point in the night we’d likely be pretty squiffy anyway, so we’ll let it slide.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

Not convinced by this one, have to admit. This is probably when we’d get up to fetch some Doritos or whatever. The chorus implores us to “say YES!” but we’ll just say: uh, yeah, alright then. Denmark is going to need those votes from its Scandi pals, that's for sure. Whoever’s next, they better bring the fire.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

Not quite the scorcher we were hoping for, but fair play to Vasil — he brings a fair bit of heat with this sultry little dance number. And yet another high-flying falsetto. 2020: the year of the falsetto that never was.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

Big, big pressure on the Netherlands here — can they follow-up on their contest-winning song from 2019? Well... It’s a really good song, actually. The singer’s got a lovely voice, and it builds really well. It’s just not very Eurovision-ish, sadly. More Europop next time, please and thanks.

This is the Standard calling: 3 points

It’s just so, so good, isn’t it? The synths! The bassline! The haircut! The key change! The flip-flop hand dance! It should’ve won this year. It would win any year. The fact that Eurovision regulations mean they’re not allowed to enter this song again in 2021 is an utter travesty. Eurovision need to take a long hard look at themselves. Have they even heard it? Do they not understand it’s the best thing this side of Conchita? Ah well, them’s the rules. No point crying over spilt milk/unused Icelandic synth-pop masterworks. Onto the next.

This is the Standard calling: 12 points

Not even going to pretend we’re not still cut up about Iceland. This Italian effort is fine, whatever. Nice pianos, really good job, well done. You’re not Iceland though, are you, Italy? Eh? We’ll get over it eventually.

Alright, ok, we don’t want to be mean — this song from Diodato is actually pretty emotional, especially after a few glasses. Not bad at all.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

We’re in a rut, gang. Slovenia has hit us with another saddy. The singer does come through with some pretty massive vocals on the chorus, though, so kudos for that. Still, we’re definitely in need of a pick-me-up.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

Consider us picked up — this is a bouncy delight. Slovenian fans might be slightly peeved though, because Ben Dolic is actually from Ljubljana, but was nabbed by Germany after appearing on one of their talent shows. This song is much better than the Slovenian effort, too. Drama!

This is the Standard calling: 2 points

Is it just us or have there been loads of ballads this year? Well, here’s another one. It’s pretty alright, but at this point we just want to have a boogie. Sorry, Albania.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

Kalimba alert! Thumb piano equals a big thumbs up from us. And we can’t get enough of this song. What a groover. Massive props to the singer Eden Alene here — she switches from English to Amharic to Hebrew to Arabic all in the course of one song. Bravo, Israel.

This is the Standard calling: 7 points

Australia is basically just that person that no-one actually remembers inviting to the party, but they’ve turned up, and they’re not causing too much of a nuisance, so we’ll let them stay. And hey — Australia’s effort ain’t half bad. Not a winner, not a loser.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

Call it the ABBA Effect, but we always expect Sweden’s Eurovision entry to be something special. And fair play to them — we can certainly get behind this joyous gospel bop. The Mamas actually represented Sweden in 2019, finishing fifth, so they’ve got skin in the game. A contender, for sure.

This is the Standard calling: 4 points

Here we have it: the UK’s first post-Brexit banger. Sadly, we’re not sure this is the one to win back hearts and minds across the Channel. James Newman does have a pleasantly husky voice but... Maybe it’s best that the UK just keeps its nut down in 2020.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

This is actually a bit of alright. Tasty beat. Nice vibes. It’s got us doing a little jig. Excellent work, Mr Cristo. Why couldn’t the UK have done something as fun as this?

This is the Standard calling: 1 point

This is thoroughly, thoroughly bonkers and we absolutely adore it. It’s like some disco-dancing gabber-infused fever dream. Great outfits too — that little guy in the blue jumpsuit over on the left is the mood we’re trying to embody for the rest of 2020. And those flappy knee jiggles? 10 out of 10. With all the votes that Russia usually gets from the Baltic nations, and the former Soviet states, this one is a force to reckoned with.

This is the Standard calling: 10 points

The singer here, Destiny, is actually a bit of Eurovision legend — she won the junior version of the competition back in 2015. She also won the Maltese version of The X Factor in 2017, too. Big fan of the funky breakdown in this one. Powerhouse voice, too.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

If you’re gonna do a ballad for Eurovision, you better make it cheesy. Big up to Tom Leeb, then, because this one — with its sensitively plucked guitars, soft strings, lovey-dovey lyrics and, obviously, a key change — is the sonic equivalent of a particularly pongy brie de meaux. Well played, sir. Well played.

This is the Standard calling: 5 points

So here we are: the final song. It’s the point of the night where we’re all thoroughly piddled, can’t tell our synth-pops from our nil points, and looking forward to the awkwardly amazing rigamarole of the live TV votes. This isn’t the strongest of finishers, admittedly, but hey — it’s the journey, not the destination, that counts, right? And what a journey we’ve had.

This is the Standard calling: nil points

Now, we can’t recreate those live-link votes, unfortunately, so we'll never know how each country would have voted. We reckon Russia would have done pretty famously, although Iceland would have been tough to beat after all the love it's been getting online.

Still, we can deliver our verdict:

12 points Iceland

10 points Russia

8 points San Marino

7 points Israel

6 points Azerbaijan

5 points France

4 points Sweden

3 points Netherlands

2 points Germany

1 point Czech Republic